I’m baaaaack! Did you miss me? (Or maybe you didn’t even notice I was gone. If that’s the case, keep it to yourself.)

I spent the past week in Myrtle Beach — North Myrtle Beach, to be exact — and this was actually my first time in the area. I’m usually a Florida beach kinda gal.

But when my little cousin wanted to celebrate her 21st birthday with the family at Myrtle Beach, I said, “What the heck? I can try something new.”

So, needless to say, I’m still a Florida beach gal. Don’t get me wrong: I’m always grateful for the opportunity to shut my laptop for a while, stare at the ocean with a good cocktail and spend some time with my family. I’m not complaining about a vacation. But that was likely my first and last trip to Dirty Myrtle. Way too much chaos for me.

And I missed you all, of course. So without further ado, let’s throw down a Vegas Bomb like a Midwest dad at his wits’ end on Myrtle Beach and let’s get going. It’s Nightcaps time!

Anthony C. Warned Me About The Gators

Last week, I wrote about the shark attacks off the coast of the Florida panhandle. And I said, thank goodness I haven’t heard about any recent shark attacks at Myrtle Beach! Well, that’s when Anthony let me know I have other things to worry about: alligators!

He sent me a link to an (eerily fitting) article titled, “Forget about the sharks. There are gators on the beaches in the Myrtle Beach, SC area.” Oh, and apparently this happened the day before my trip.

 

Luckily, I did not see any alligators or sharks.

Honestly, the most threatening thing I had to face was a Banana Boat. My cousins and I watched them out there pulling that big ol’ yellow inflatable on jetskis all week long, and on Friday, we finally decided to give it a try. I thought it was going to be a fun, leisurely excursion. I’d enjoy the wind in my hair, the views of the beach, the cool water misting in my face.

I was so wrong.

Y’all, I was fighting for my life out there. Those Atlantic Ocean waves are no joke, and that boat beat the ever-loving sh*t out of all six of us. My 21-year-old cousin and her friend went airborne and catapulted into the ocean TWICE. (They were the weakest links, no doubt.) The rest of us had death grips on the handles, rub burns up the insides of our legs, our voices hoarse from screaming. I face-planted into the front of the boat once, and the driver thought it was hilarious to drench us with water as often as possible.

We essentially paid $25 each to be waterboarded, beaten and offered as sacrifice to the Kraken.

Frankly, I think I would have preferred to take a walk along the shore with that cute lil’ baby alligator. Speaking of animal encounters…

Who You Got In This Grizzly Vs. Moose Fight?

I could never be a wildlife photographer. I can’t even watch nature shows on TV without getting irrationally upset when one animal eats another animal. Or maybe even worse, the pursuit! When that poor, defenseless baby gazelle is running for its life with fear in its eyes — knowing it’s likely a goner — while the big, scary lion gets closer and closer… my heart can’t take it.

Of course, I say this while I’m sitting here snacking on some beef jerky as if I don’t take full advantage of the food chain myself. Hey, the first step is admitting you’re a hypocrite.

I digress.

So on Tuesday, a biologist and podcaster named Wes Larson went to a campground in Montana, which had been the site of a deadly grizzly attack. That’s when he got an up-close look at a (literally) wild scene: a grizzly bear chasing down a fully grown bull moose — neither of which you’d want to come face-to-face with in a dark alley.

See, this is where I’d disrupt the natural order of things. Because I’d be honking my horn trying to scare the bear away. Even though I know he’s gotta eat, too.

But maybe he wasn’t hunting. Maybe they were just playing! That’s what this one looks like, right?

I’m just going to keep telling myself that.

Now let’s move onto someone who isn’t running for his life…

Man Chugs 14 Beers Before Half Marathon

A dude named Alec Marlino went viral earlier this month after downing 14 beers the night before a half marathon. Fueled only by Busch, brownies and five hours of sleep, this absolute hero went out there and completed his 13.1 miles with relative ease, given his condition.

Watch.

You know, my toxic trait is seeing any physical challenge and thinking I can accomplish it. At 35, I simply have not learned my limits yet. For example, on Saturday night, I watched the American Ninja Warrior: Couples Championship.

And I immediately thought to myself, I could do that!

Then, I wondered aloud how long it would take me to convince my husband to train for the competition with me. Honestly, he’s a trooper and very fit, but I might be on my own with that one. I started Googling “ninja gyms near me” and visualized how I could make an obstacle course in my garage.

But then I decided my American Ninja Warrior dream might have to wait a bit. After all, I am solely focused right now on the Team Screencaps Ragnar Relay in October. I’m (officially) on Week 5 of training, and my stamina is already vastly improving.

By October, I might be ready to chug 14 beers right before my leg of the race!

If my teammates are reading this, I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t make you deal with my drunk ass for 200 miles. Can’t make any promises about after the race, though. It isn’t called “The Bourbon Chase” for nothing.

Taylor Swift Roasted For Dance Moves

It is tough to be Taylor Swift. Here she is, just minding her own business, performing on her worldwide Eras Tour, doing a little dancey dance in her flapper dress… and the Internet just mercilessly mocks her.

My Twitter / X timeline is blowing up with people making fun of the world’s biggest popstar (big, like famous… not big, like Lizzo) for her “cringe” dance moves.

Listen, I’m a girl’s girl. It’s not really my style to attack a woman who’s just doing her thing and not hurting anybody. So I was gonna leave this one alone.

But then I remembered — if I had a billion dollars — I’d awkwardly twirl my fringe dress all the way to the bank and not give one single fudge what anyone on the Internet had to say about it. So she’s probably OK. And some of the comments were pretty funny.

Admittedly, I’m not a Swiftie. I stopped listening to Taylor Swift more than a decade ago when she moved off country radio. But this video actually makes me like her more.

Because it’s relatable AF.

Taylor Swift might be the whitest white girl who ever lived, but I feel like I’m pretty close when it comes to my lack of rhythm. I can’t dance unless I’m standing in a line with a dozen other people and someone is singing the directions.

I will “Electric Slide” or “Boot Scootin’ Boogie” you right off the dance floor, YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT.

So shake off the haters, Taylor. I’m just happy to see you are one of us.

Eat Cheese, Live Longer

I have some Gouda news for you. (Sorry, I’m awful sometimes…) But if you want to live a long, happy life, listen up!

A large-scale study of 2.3 million people conducted by a team of researchers from the Shanghai Jiao Tong University School of Medicine found that mental well-being is the single most important contributor to healthy aging and longevity. But researchers discovered there’s also a strong connection to cheese consumption!

Personally, I read that as, “There’s a strong correlation between happiness and eating cheese,” and that’s really all I needed to hear. It’s like the time — many years ago — I read one article citing a study that concluded beer was more hydrating as a post-workout drink than water.

Is that undisputed, proven science? Probably not. But I’ve chosen to believe it for more than a decade now. We’ll call it selective science. Kind of like all the COVID stuff.

RELATED: Anthony Fauci Admits COVID Rules Like Social Distancing And Masking Had No Scientific Basis

Anyway, back to the cheese thing… Researchers found diminished mental health (like depression, neuroticism, stress and anxiety) was linked to behaviors and illnesses known to shorten life span. Whereas positive mental health resulted in longer life spans. And the same study found that those who reported the most robust levels of mental health and stress resilience… ate more cheese!

To paraphrase the great Elle Woods in Legally Blonde: Cheese gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy! And…

So if you ever needed an excuse to bust out the charcuterie board, this is it. And if you’re concerned about heart health, experts say the best option is mozzarella.

“It’s a good source of protein and calcium and even contains probiotics that can benefit gut and immune health,” board-certified interventional cardiologist Dr. Cheng-Han Chen said. “Fresh mozzarella is also lower in saturated fat and sodium than other cheeses.”

Wait, fresh mozzarella? Does that mean we can’t get it deep fried and dipped in marinara?

So much for that happiness thing.